A young lady Assistant
Mrs Smith
Mrs Jones
A deaf old Gentleman
A Farmer
A Fussy old lady
Mrs Higgins
Bertie, Her son
A Foreign Tourist
A Policeman
Scene: A Post Office, with posters reading, “POST EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS”.
The Assistant is complaining that the previous day was a busy day for her. She did not have a minute to rest. People were sending parcels and cards for Christmas. People are funny. One man came the other day and asked her where he could get a stamp. First the Assistant thought the man was playing a joke on her. Then there was the old man who could not see very well. He put his glasses on the counter. He wanted a pint of beer. The Assistant gave him a dozen penny stamps. She opens a book stamps and she sees a customer.
Mrs Smith enters. She greets the Assistant and says it is cold. The Assistant agrees and adds that there will be snow for Christmas. Mrs. Smith says she does not like snow as it is not good for her rheumatism. Last year because of the snow and her rheumatism she could not enjoy at all. The Assistant then wishes that it should not snow and asks her what she wants. She wants a book of stamps and a postal order for half a crown (242 shillings). The Assistant asks her if she has no parcels. Mrs Smith says she has already sent her presents and cards. She believes in posting early for Christmas. The Assistant wants more people to do like Mrs. Smith. Parcels get damaged in the lastminute rush. She gives – the stamps and the postal order to Mrs. Smith.
Mrs. Jones enters. After thanking the Assistant, Mrs. Smith greets Mrs. Jones. She says she hasn’t seen her: for a long time. She enquires after her health.
Mrs. Jones moves to the counter. A deaf old man enters and stands at the back looking at a huge shopping list.
Mrs. Jones asks Mrs. Smith if she has finished her Christmas shopping. She is still in the middle of it. Mrs. Smith says she has posted her cards and presents.
Mrs. Jones gives some large parcels to the Assistant, who weighs them. Mrs. Jones tells Mrs. Smith that she is lucky. Then she tells the Assistant that she should be careful with the parcels as she does not want the presents to be damaged. The Assistant tells her that they do their best not to damage them. But why didn’t she post them last week?
Mrs. Jones is not happy. She tells the Assistant that she will post her presents when she wants. The Assistant is polite and she says it will cost her 10 and 6 pence altogether. Mrs. Jones gives her the money.
Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Smith talk, standing away from the counter. The Deaf Old Man goes to the Assistant. She asks him how she can serve him. The gentleman says he has come to collect his old age pension. The assistant asks for his book. The gentleman does not hear properly. The assistant asks him: Did you bring the book? The gentlemen replies, “Of course, I didn’t bring my cook. My wife does all my cooking.” The assistant says he did not hear what she said. The gentleman again misunderstands. He replies: “Bed! Who ought to be in bed? I am not as young as I was, but I am still healthy. Don’t you be so impudent, young lady.”
The Assist once again says, “I’m afraid you didn’t hear what I said.” Again the gentleman mishears her and asks her who told her that he is called Ted. Is she trying to tell him his name? His name is Sam and he has come for his pension.
The Assistant again asks him if he has brought his book. The gentleman tells her not to speak about the cook. The Assistant loudly tells him she is talking of book and not cook. The gentleman asks her why she did not ask for it earlier and fumbles in his pockets. He gives the book to her.
Now he turns to the ladies and says it is too cold. The Assistant retums the book to him. He thanks her and mumbles his greetings for the season. The Assistant does not hear him properly and asks him what he said. He says she is a bit deaf.
The Assistant is amused at the deaf man calling her deaf. The deaf man is standing there counting his money. The Fussy Old Lady enters quickly.
The Old Lady rushes to the Assistant and tells her she needs her advice. The Assistant wants to know what the problem is. The Old lady says it is about her cat, Tiddles. Tiddles used to eat plenty but now she is not eating. The Assistant asks her if she has seen a vet. The Old lady says Tiddles has hurt her paw and it must have upset her. The old lady is confused as to what to do. The Assistant says she should put some antiseptic on the paw. The Old lady wants the Assistant to give it to her The Assistant tells her to get it from the chemist’s as this is a post office. The Old lady says she made a mistake; she thought it was a clinic for sick animals.
The Assistant tells her that the animal. clinic is at the end of the road. The Old says she is sorry. But she can’t go away without buying something. She will buy a two and half penny stamp. They are so beautiful and may be useful at this Christmas time.
The gentleman now talks to the lady. He says he knows something about cats and he could help her. At this time a Farmer, Mrs. Higgins and Bertie enter. The farmer greets the Assistant. He puts a parcel on the scales and asks her how much he has to pay. She says one and nine pence. Jokingly the Farmer asks if any bombs came in the post. The Assistant is surprised. Then the Farmer reads from the newspaper. “Bomb found in post office.
Scotland Yard has issued a warning that a time-bomb disguised as a Christmas parcel was discovered in a London post office. Any suspicious-looking parcel should be reported at once to the local police station.”
The Assistant wants to know how one can tell it is a time-bomb. The Farmer explains that time-bombs usually tick just before they go o. If any parcel makes funny noises, she should be careful. Now Mrs. Jones recognizes the Farmer whose name is Mr. Brown. Now he talks to Mrs Jones and Mrs Smith. Bertie, an untidy boy, stares at Farmer Brown. His mother, a large, loud woman, goes to the counter.
Mrs. Higgins asks Bertie not to stare as it is rude. Bertie says, “O.K. Ma.’ Mrs Higgins tells him not to call her ‘Ma’, Then he calls her Mum. Mrs Higgins asks the Assistant to give her a book stamps and a money order for 2 pounds, 11 shillings and 5 pence. The Assistant gives her the book of stamps and asks her to ll in the money order form. As Mrs Higgins lls the form, she tells the boy to wipe his nose. He says he wants an engine. Mrs Higgins says this is a post oce and engines are not sold there. Bertie says: “I seed ’em” next door. Mrs. Higgins is shocked at his language and asks him if he is not taught to speak English properly at school. He ‘corrects’ himself and says, “I sawed ’em”. Mrs. Higgins agrees with him! She gives the form to the Assistant.
Mrs. Higgins asks the boy not to play with the scales. She tells the Assistant he is a naughty boy and she does not know what to do with him.
Mrs. Higgins asks the boy to put his cap straight and pull his socks up. Bertie wants an ice cream. Mrs. Higgins wonders how he can eat ice cream in this weather. But she agrees to buy him if he behaves well. The Assistant asks her she has any more work at the post office.